One Step at a Time

My heart longs to go on the world race. And when I say I long to, I mean instead of spending hours on facebook, my hours are spent reading current and former racer blogs.  This has been something that has been a desire of mine since I was sixteen.  I remember coming home from a mission trip to Scotland with adventures in missions. We had a debrief night in the hotel the night we returned, and some of the AIM staff came to talk to us about the World Race.  I knew from that moment, that I would be going.

The past few months, I have been struggling with life in general.  School is stressful.  Work is stressful. Temptations are taking over.  And I have some unexplained medical problems that have had me spend quite a few hours in the radiology department.  And still, no answers.  Last night at 2am, I couldn’t sleep and decided to go sit on my back porch for a while, I always tend to think better outside for some reason.  And out of nowhere I started looking through all of my Africa pictures. 

In minutes, I was laughing, crying and longing.  I miss Africa, I miss those kids, I miss that lifestyle, but most of all I miss who I was in those pictures; a women who was completely in love with life, a women who found joy in the little things, a women who was open and always tried to try her best.  Sure, Africa had its struggles, and I saw some of the most heart breaking things I have ever witnessed.  But at the same time, it was beautiful.  

I used to have the picture perfect idea of being a missionary.  Everything is wonderful and you get to run around with children and laugh all day.  No one tells you about the mornings you don’t want to get out of bed and do ministry, the nights you cannot fall asleep because you are literally drenched in sweat, the people that beg you for food and no matter how used to it you get, you heart can’t help but break every single time.  But the thing is, it is all worth it.

That desire to go on the race entered my heart again.  But this time, I realized I have so many fears.  Going into Africa, I was pretty much fearless, in the beginning.  This is what I was meant to do.  How hard can it be?  Well…. Now I know how hard four months can be…. So… what about a year? One of my greatest fears is having a servant’s heart through all situations.  Which is hilarious because we happen to be on this topic in my spiritual formations class.  I have my moments where serving others is easy, and then I have my moments where it is hard.  I am good at serving those I trust not to walk all over me.

What is even more hilarious is, God had already been working on defeating this fear, before I even asked him to. Before I even knew the fear existed.  I have had the opportunity the past few weeks to serve others, more than usual, and somehow, I was able to be there for all of these people, and I didn't even realize that the things I did were considered acts of service.  It just seemed like the right thing to do. And honestly, it made me feel pretty dang prideful.  And those of you that know me well, know that my emotions get the best of me sometimes and I cannot help myself.  However, when helping others, I tend to think what would I want in this situation? Instead of what would they want in this situation? I lunge into helping them, before even knowing exactly what I am doing.  And as I was pondering all of this, I heard clear as day “I have given you a gift, but just because you have been given a gift, doesn't mean you don’t have to work on it.” 

Well, slap in the face.  Who knew that you actually had to work on the spiritual gifts you were given?

So, the question is, where to go from here? Well, after prayer and thought I have realized that it starts with growth.  I long for the Jen in those Africa pictures, but I don’t have to be in Africa to be that Jen.  It starts with being that women here, while still in school, still working, still struggling with temptations.  I fear going before God and asking him for help, before I better myself first.  But the hard truth is, I can’t better myself without him.  I was the girl in Africa because I was letting him lead me.  These changes and transitions don’t happen overnight, but I can honestly say that the process has begun and I am so excited to see what is around the corner! 

Letting go of control: bipolar struggles.

If you know me well, you already know that being bipolar is something that I struggle with Daily. It's a mess of meds, phases of manic and depression, haywire emotions and frustration.  And there is nothing I can do about it. Sure, there is medication, but there are days when it doesn't work, nights when I can't sleep because my brain is streaming through emotion after emotion.

One of the things many people don't know about being bipolar is that it isn't simply insane emotions. It's being to see only one side of a situation at once, either the positive or the negative and it intensifies the emotion.  For example, if someone close to me were to tell me that they were traveling around the world for a year, my first reaction might be the positive, overwhelming excitement for them. So that emotion would be expressed. Maybe a day later I would realize that it would mean them leaving, me not seeing them for an entire year, and then the sadness hits. Hence the constant mood swings. This may sound slightly crazy, but it's just the way a bipolar persons brain functions, the chemicals release differently in my brain.

Well, usually it isn't that bad, but this semester the manic episodes have been increasing. I can't think straight. I can't focus. I constantly want to do crazy things like bungee jump, blow money on useless things, go sky diving, see how fast my car can go, drop out of school and travel for who knows how long.  Fortunately I haven't done any if these things yet, but the urge keeps intensifying and honestly I'm scared out of my mind that I'll wake up one day and not be able to control it anymore.  It is possibly the scariest feeling I have ever had in my life. I have no control. And sure, sometimes I realize what's happening, but sometimes I don't.

The point is, what scares me is not having control over my own body. In a way it's like a seizure but in the brain, once it starts you have no idea how long it will last and you can't stop it.
But then I realized, the only thing I really have control over, in this situation and in life in general is my attitude. The way I handle the situation.  Not letting it define me. That, I can control. But honestly , I can't do it on my own. I've spent so much time in prayer over this. Wishing I was "normal". Wishing I could think like a "rational" person all the time. But sometime else I have learned is that there always seems to be some beauty in a disaster. Some purpose in the struggle. Some growth in the pain.

 And no matter the situation, you can always find a positive. I realized while going through this, how incredible the people in my life are. I have parents, and the rest of my family  who love me unconditionally and are always there, even when it's not easy to put up with me. I have amazing friends that stay up late with me to help me study even during a manic episode. I have people in my life that stay, even when I'm struggling and that in itself is a blessing.

Another thing that I have realized, it we all have our things. Our things that make us feel different, weak, embarrassed, worthless. We all have them. And it's ok. It's ok to be different. It's ok to struggle. It's not the hardship that defines you, it's what you make of it and how you handle it.



So while I don't have all this figured out yet, I do know that I am done hiding an important part of me. And instead of praying for the chemicals in my brain to suddenly be normal, I am going to start praying for Gods will to be done, for peace and for acceptance, and that I can be content not being in control.

Raw Emotion.

Being a religion major the past three and a half years has greatly changed my perspective on the Bible. It has grown me in ways I cannot imagine, stretched me, challenged me, frustrated me, blessed me and broken me in the most beautiful ways.  

However, being someone who studies the Bible daily with a goal for good grades, can dramatically change your perspective on the Bible. I have become the person that feels the need for commentaries every time they open the bible. I have to know the historical context, the date, every person involved and their character. Because how can you understand the bible without dozens of commentaries and multiple study bibles? In essence, the Bible had become a textbook. I no longer felt any emotion when reading scripture, it was simply fact.  Something to be picked apart word my word and absorbed.

I have felt the presence of God in others ways over the past few years, through prayer, nature, other people, life experiences, but not through scripture. Which, is kind of important.

I opened the bible with the intent of reading a passage for my Spiritual Formations class so I could accurately write my journal reflection.  And then it happened, for the first time in over two years, raw emotion. Raw emotion for words that I didn’t even fully understand, I just felt something.  And in the moment, I wasn’t even sure why.

“I went past the field of a sluggard,

    past the vineyard of someone who has no sense;

 thorns had come up everywhere,

    the ground was covered with weeds,

    and the stone wall was in ruins.

 I applied my heart to what I observed

    and learned a lesson from what I saw:

 A little sleep, a little slumber,

    a little folding of the hands to rest—

and poverty will come on you like a thief

    and scarcity like an armed man.” Proverbs 24:30-34

 

My first reaction was to open my study bible, figure out the context and the meaning behind it. But something stopped me and I ended up taking a different approach.  I ended up praying over what I read, and actually listened for what the Lord was trying to tell me through this. And then I realized.

I have been so lazy.  I have blamed the fact that the bible held no emotion for me on being a religion major. When, it was an excuse. I had allowed this to happen.  I had allowed the emotions to fade, I had blocked them out. I had convinced myself that opening the Bible for class was more than enough. I had convinced myself that I understood more than the average person, after studying it for years, so why was extra necessary?  But it is.  It’s a beautiful process of growth and learning that I have blocked out. The reasons why, I am honestly not sure yet. Maybe for fear of growing pains? Maybe because the emotion was getting in the way of focusing on getting good grades? Maybe simply because I am stubborn. Maybe all of these things. It is a process that I am going to keep pursing and praying through. Because feeling emotion for scriptures felt incredible, and I refuse to be lazy any longer.

The Calling to Perfection

One of my biggest struggles recently is the need to be perfect.  I know in my heart that achieving perfection is impossible, and I never viewed myself as one who strives to be perfect.  However I realized recently that I do.  I have to get everything done. I have to fit everything in. I cannot let anyone down. I have to make all A’s this semester. I have to work out every day. I have to spend time with the Lord in the morning. I have to make time for people in my life too.   I have set so many standards for myself as the semester begins.  The problem isn’t the standards I am setting.  They are all good goals.  The problem is that if I don’t meet my standards, I am going to view myself as a failure.  As not good enough.  Not worthy enough.  Not smart enough. Not able enough.

Me not meeting my standards, would cause me to redefine myself completely.

As I watch everyone around me, I realize that everyone else seems to be caught up in this mess too.  Everyone seems to be rushing somewhere constantly or rushing to get something done, to achieve something. Again, there is nothing wrong with getting things done or meeting our goals.  But I feel like sometimes we forget why we are even doing these things in the first place. I find myself going through the motions because, well, that’s what we are “supposed to do.”

So I few days ago, I decided to see if changing my perspective would change my outlook, and also my stress and frustration with the going through the motions process.

I went from I have to make all A’s this semester to I have an opportunity to have an education, an opportunity that many people don’t have, I am going to try my hardest and get the most out of this blessing.  I am not doing this for the GPA, I am doing this because God has placed a passion in my heart for what I am studying, and it is a step in his plan for my life.

I went from stressing out about making time for people in my life to realizing that people are what I am actually called to. When I get to heaven, my GPA is not going to matter. But the people I created relationships with, the people Christ used me to reach.  That will always matter. How is he going to use me to reach his people if I don’t make time for them.  And, life only happens once, I only have three semesters of college left! I don’t want to miss it because my face is constantly buried in books.

I went from I have to work out every day to thank the Lord that my body functions correctly so I should take care of it in the best way that I can.

I went from I have to spend time with the Lord in the morning to I GET to spend time with the Lord in the mornings.

Don’t get me wrong, forcing myself to think this way was and still is a struggle.  I still have to work at it.  But just in the past three days, my passion has returned. I am energy and excitement for the semester. I actually want to study because I want to be fully equipped for the next stage of my life that God has planned for me. Because let’s face it, I am an imperfect sinner in the hands of perfect God. I am weak, and I cannot do anything without Him.

“May he equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.” Hebrews 13:21

This right here. My time in college. I fully believe this to be God preparing and molding me for the plans he has for the future! And the cool thing is, he is also using me while equipping me!

I am going to attempt to live every day to be like Jesus.  I am going to get done what I need to get done, but I am not going to ignore the world around me.  My motivation is going to come from love and from passion, not from the need to check things off of a list.  I am going to strive to be like Jesus, while remaining in full recognition that I am in fact, not Jesus.  I am not perfect.

And life turns.

I have a serious habit of blogging a few times, stopping for a year and then deciding I want to start again.  So.. lets try this one more time......

Why is this time different you ask? Well.... my perspective on life has completely changed after this summer.  I lost one of the closest and most important people in my life. I've lost loved ones before, but never quite like this.  To completely understand the story... I am going to have to give you a little background...

I was adopted at one day old, by an incredible and loving family. Later in life, I reconnected with my birth family and it was one of the biggest emotional roller coasters of my life.  An insane roller coaster, that I have not nor will never regret. I have had a solid relationship with them for four years now. I felt an instant connection with all of them, but especially with my Mimi.  The first time I met her, it was like I had known her my entire life.  We had this instant mutual understanding of each-other, and I knew from that moment that she loved me. Her loving me however was only half of the incredible part, I accepted her love.  This is a rare thing for me. I do not trust easily, but it was impossible not to trust her.

But this summer, June 24, my sister called me at 4am to give me the news. We had lost her to stage four lung cancer.

The first month after this happened I could hardly sleep or even function properly. I let very few people completely into my life.  There are very few that know all the dirty details and she was one of them, and I lost her.

However, with such a precious life leaving this world, I have suddenly found a new motivation for life. I have noticed myself making more of an effort to succeed and to let people in.  I have even started eating healthier and exercising. I have started actually listening and being fully engaged in conversations, and am becoming better at living in the moment instead of dreaming of the future because loosing her, made me realize how precious life really is. And as far as earth goes... we only get one.

After finally being able to sit down and reflect on this, I began to fully understand Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  

God did not promise us that life would be perfect, he actually tells us that there will be hardships and suffering.  We will struggle.  We will fall down. We will fail. We will sin.  We will hurt others. We will lie.  We will cheat, We will make mistakes. We will have regrets.  But we will not lose, because the battle has already been won.