My heart longs to go on the world race. And when I say I
long to, I mean instead of spending hours on facebook, my hours are spent
reading current and former racer blogs.
This has been something that has been a desire of mine since I was
sixteen. I remember coming home from a
mission trip to Scotland with adventures in missions. We had a debrief night in
the hotel the night we returned, and some of the AIM staff came to talk to us
about the World Race. I knew from that
moment, that I would be going.
The past few months, I have been struggling with life in
general. School is stressful. Work is stressful. Temptations are taking
over. And I have some unexplained
medical problems that have had me spend quite a few hours in the radiology
department. And still, no answers. Last night at 2am, I couldn’t sleep and
decided to go sit on my back porch for a while, I always tend to think better
outside for some reason. And out of
nowhere I started looking through all of my Africa pictures.
In minutes, I was laughing, crying and longing. I miss Africa, I miss those kids, I miss that
lifestyle, but most of all I miss who I was in those pictures; a women who was completely
in love with life, a women who found joy in the little things, a women who was
open and always tried to try her best.
Sure, Africa had its struggles, and I saw some of the most heart
breaking things I have ever witnessed.
But at the same time, it was beautiful.
I used to have the picture perfect idea of being a missionary. Everything is wonderful and you get to run
around with children and laugh all day.
No one tells you about the mornings you don’t want to get out of bed and
do ministry, the nights you cannot fall asleep because you are literally
drenched in sweat, the people that beg you for food and no matter how used to
it you get, you heart can’t help but break every single time. But the thing is, it is all worth it.
That desire to go on the race entered my heart again. But this time, I realized I have so many
fears. Going into Africa, I was pretty
much fearless, in the beginning. This is
what I was meant to do. How hard can it
be? Well…. Now I know how hard four
months can be…. So… what about a year? One of my greatest fears is having a servant’s
heart through all situations. Which is hilarious
because we happen to be on this topic in my spiritual formations class. I have my moments where serving others is
easy, and then I have my moments where it is hard. I am good at serving those I trust not to
walk all over me.
What is even more hilarious is, God had already been working
on defeating this fear, before I even asked him to. Before I even knew the fear
existed. I have had the opportunity the
past few weeks to serve others, more than usual, and somehow, I was able to be
there for all of these people, and I didn't even realize that the things I did
were considered acts of service. It just
seemed like the right thing to do. And honestly, it made me feel pretty dang
prideful. And those of you that know me
well, know that my emotions get the best of me sometimes and I cannot help
myself. However, when helping others, I
tend to think what would I want in this situation? Instead of what would they
want in this situation? I lunge into helping them, before even knowing exactly
what I am doing. And as I was pondering
all of this, I heard clear as day “I have given you a gift, but just because
you have been given a gift, doesn't mean you don’t have to work on it.”
Well, slap in the face. Who knew that you actually had to work on the
spiritual gifts you were given?
So, the question is, where to go from here? Well, after
prayer and thought I have realized that it starts with growth. I long for the Jen in those Africa pictures,
but I don’t have to be in Africa to be that Jen. It starts with being that women here, while
still in school, still working, still struggling with temptations. I fear going before God and asking him for
help, before I better myself first. But
the hard truth is, I can’t better myself without him. I was the girl in Africa because I was letting
him lead me. These changes and
transitions don’t happen overnight, but I can honestly say that the process has
begun and I am so excited to see what is around the corner!
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