If you know me well, you already know that being bipolar is something that I struggle with Daily. It's a mess of meds, phases of manic and depression, haywire emotions and frustration. And there is nothing I can do about it. Sure, there is medication, but there are days when it doesn't work, nights when I can't sleep because my brain is streaming through emotion after emotion.
One of the things many people don't know about being bipolar is that it isn't simply insane emotions. It's being to see only one side of a situation at once, either the positive or the negative and it intensifies the emotion. For example, if someone close to me were to tell me that they were traveling around the world for a year, my first reaction might be the positive, overwhelming excitement for them. So that emotion would be expressed. Maybe a day later I would realize that it would mean them leaving, me not seeing them for an entire year, and then the sadness hits. Hence the constant mood swings. This may sound slightly crazy, but it's just the way a bipolar persons brain functions, the chemicals release differently in my brain.
Well, usually it isn't that bad, but this semester the manic episodes have been increasing. I can't think straight. I can't focus. I constantly want to do crazy things like bungee jump, blow money on useless things, go sky diving, see how fast my car can go, drop out of school and travel for who knows how long. Fortunately I haven't done any if these things yet, but the urge keeps intensifying and honestly I'm scared out of my mind that I'll wake up one day and not be able to control it anymore. It is possibly the scariest feeling I have ever had in my life. I have no control. And sure, sometimes I realize what's happening, but sometimes I don't.
The point is, what scares me is not having control over my own body. In a way it's like a seizure but in the brain, once it starts you have no idea how long it will last and you can't stop it.
But then I realized, the only thing I really have control over, in this situation and in life in general is my attitude. The way I handle the situation. Not letting it define me. That, I can control. But honestly , I can't do it on my own. I've spent so much time in prayer over this. Wishing I was "normal". Wishing I could think like a "rational" person all the time. But sometime else I have learned is that there always seems to be some beauty in a disaster. Some purpose in the struggle. Some growth in the pain.
And no matter the situation, you can always find a positive. I realized while going through this, how incredible the people in my life are. I have parents, and the rest of my family who love me unconditionally and are always there, even when it's not easy to put up with me. I have amazing friends that stay up late with me to help me study even during a manic episode. I have people in my life that stay, even when I'm struggling and that in itself is a blessing.
Another thing that I have realized, it we all have our things. Our things that make us feel different, weak, embarrassed, worthless. We all have them. And it's ok. It's ok to be different. It's ok to struggle. It's not the hardship that defines you, it's what you make of it and how you handle it.
So while I don't have all this figured out yet, I do know that I am done hiding an important part of me. And instead of praying for the chemicals in my brain to suddenly be normal, I am going to start praying for Gods will to be done, for peace and for acceptance, and that I can be content not being in control.
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