Raw Emotion.

Being a religion major the past three and a half years has greatly changed my perspective on the Bible. It has grown me in ways I cannot imagine, stretched me, challenged me, frustrated me, blessed me and broken me in the most beautiful ways.  

However, being someone who studies the Bible daily with a goal for good grades, can dramatically change your perspective on the Bible. I have become the person that feels the need for commentaries every time they open the bible. I have to know the historical context, the date, every person involved and their character. Because how can you understand the bible without dozens of commentaries and multiple study bibles? In essence, the Bible had become a textbook. I no longer felt any emotion when reading scripture, it was simply fact.  Something to be picked apart word my word and absorbed.

I have felt the presence of God in others ways over the past few years, through prayer, nature, other people, life experiences, but not through scripture. Which, is kind of important.

I opened the bible with the intent of reading a passage for my Spiritual Formations class so I could accurately write my journal reflection.  And then it happened, for the first time in over two years, raw emotion. Raw emotion for words that I didn’t even fully understand, I just felt something.  And in the moment, I wasn’t even sure why.

“I went past the field of a sluggard,

    past the vineyard of someone who has no sense;

 thorns had come up everywhere,

    the ground was covered with weeds,

    and the stone wall was in ruins.

 I applied my heart to what I observed

    and learned a lesson from what I saw:

 A little sleep, a little slumber,

    a little folding of the hands to rest—

and poverty will come on you like a thief

    and scarcity like an armed man.” Proverbs 24:30-34

 

My first reaction was to open my study bible, figure out the context and the meaning behind it. But something stopped me and I ended up taking a different approach.  I ended up praying over what I read, and actually listened for what the Lord was trying to tell me through this. And then I realized.

I have been so lazy.  I have blamed the fact that the bible held no emotion for me on being a religion major. When, it was an excuse. I had allowed this to happen.  I had allowed the emotions to fade, I had blocked them out. I had convinced myself that opening the Bible for class was more than enough. I had convinced myself that I understood more than the average person, after studying it for years, so why was extra necessary?  But it is.  It’s a beautiful process of growth and learning that I have blocked out. The reasons why, I am honestly not sure yet. Maybe for fear of growing pains? Maybe because the emotion was getting in the way of focusing on getting good grades? Maybe simply because I am stubborn. Maybe all of these things. It is a process that I am going to keep pursing and praying through. Because feeling emotion for scriptures felt incredible, and I refuse to be lazy any longer.