Letting go of control: bipolar struggles.

If you know me well, you already know that being bipolar is something that I struggle with Daily. It's a mess of meds, phases of manic and depression, haywire emotions and frustration.  And there is nothing I can do about it. Sure, there is medication, but there are days when it doesn't work, nights when I can't sleep because my brain is streaming through emotion after emotion.

One of the things many people don't know about being bipolar is that it isn't simply insane emotions. It's being to see only one side of a situation at once, either the positive or the negative and it intensifies the emotion.  For example, if someone close to me were to tell me that they were traveling around the world for a year, my first reaction might be the positive, overwhelming excitement for them. So that emotion would be expressed. Maybe a day later I would realize that it would mean them leaving, me not seeing them for an entire year, and then the sadness hits. Hence the constant mood swings. This may sound slightly crazy, but it's just the way a bipolar persons brain functions, the chemicals release differently in my brain.

Well, usually it isn't that bad, but this semester the manic episodes have been increasing. I can't think straight. I can't focus. I constantly want to do crazy things like bungee jump, blow money on useless things, go sky diving, see how fast my car can go, drop out of school and travel for who knows how long.  Fortunately I haven't done any if these things yet, but the urge keeps intensifying and honestly I'm scared out of my mind that I'll wake up one day and not be able to control it anymore.  It is possibly the scariest feeling I have ever had in my life. I have no control. And sure, sometimes I realize what's happening, but sometimes I don't.

The point is, what scares me is not having control over my own body. In a way it's like a seizure but in the brain, once it starts you have no idea how long it will last and you can't stop it.
But then I realized, the only thing I really have control over, in this situation and in life in general is my attitude. The way I handle the situation.  Not letting it define me. That, I can control. But honestly , I can't do it on my own. I've spent so much time in prayer over this. Wishing I was "normal". Wishing I could think like a "rational" person all the time. But sometime else I have learned is that there always seems to be some beauty in a disaster. Some purpose in the struggle. Some growth in the pain.

 And no matter the situation, you can always find a positive. I realized while going through this, how incredible the people in my life are. I have parents, and the rest of my family  who love me unconditionally and are always there, even when it's not easy to put up with me. I have amazing friends that stay up late with me to help me study even during a manic episode. I have people in my life that stay, even when I'm struggling and that in itself is a blessing.

Another thing that I have realized, it we all have our things. Our things that make us feel different, weak, embarrassed, worthless. We all have them. And it's ok. It's ok to be different. It's ok to struggle. It's not the hardship that defines you, it's what you make of it and how you handle it.



So while I don't have all this figured out yet, I do know that I am done hiding an important part of me. And instead of praying for the chemicals in my brain to suddenly be normal, I am going to start praying for Gods will to be done, for peace and for acceptance, and that I can be content not being in control.

Raw Emotion.

Being a religion major the past three and a half years has greatly changed my perspective on the Bible. It has grown me in ways I cannot imagine, stretched me, challenged me, frustrated me, blessed me and broken me in the most beautiful ways.  

However, being someone who studies the Bible daily with a goal for good grades, can dramatically change your perspective on the Bible. I have become the person that feels the need for commentaries every time they open the bible. I have to know the historical context, the date, every person involved and their character. Because how can you understand the bible without dozens of commentaries and multiple study bibles? In essence, the Bible had become a textbook. I no longer felt any emotion when reading scripture, it was simply fact.  Something to be picked apart word my word and absorbed.

I have felt the presence of God in others ways over the past few years, through prayer, nature, other people, life experiences, but not through scripture. Which, is kind of important.

I opened the bible with the intent of reading a passage for my Spiritual Formations class so I could accurately write my journal reflection.  And then it happened, for the first time in over two years, raw emotion. Raw emotion for words that I didn’t even fully understand, I just felt something.  And in the moment, I wasn’t even sure why.

“I went past the field of a sluggard,

    past the vineyard of someone who has no sense;

 thorns had come up everywhere,

    the ground was covered with weeds,

    and the stone wall was in ruins.

 I applied my heart to what I observed

    and learned a lesson from what I saw:

 A little sleep, a little slumber,

    a little folding of the hands to rest—

and poverty will come on you like a thief

    and scarcity like an armed man.” Proverbs 24:30-34

 

My first reaction was to open my study bible, figure out the context and the meaning behind it. But something stopped me and I ended up taking a different approach.  I ended up praying over what I read, and actually listened for what the Lord was trying to tell me through this. And then I realized.

I have been so lazy.  I have blamed the fact that the bible held no emotion for me on being a religion major. When, it was an excuse. I had allowed this to happen.  I had allowed the emotions to fade, I had blocked them out. I had convinced myself that opening the Bible for class was more than enough. I had convinced myself that I understood more than the average person, after studying it for years, so why was extra necessary?  But it is.  It’s a beautiful process of growth and learning that I have blocked out. The reasons why, I am honestly not sure yet. Maybe for fear of growing pains? Maybe because the emotion was getting in the way of focusing on getting good grades? Maybe simply because I am stubborn. Maybe all of these things. It is a process that I am going to keep pursing and praying through. Because feeling emotion for scriptures felt incredible, and I refuse to be lazy any longer.