The Calling to Perfection

One of my biggest struggles recently is the need to be perfect.  I know in my heart that achieving perfection is impossible, and I never viewed myself as one who strives to be perfect.  However I realized recently that I do.  I have to get everything done. I have to fit everything in. I cannot let anyone down. I have to make all A’s this semester. I have to work out every day. I have to spend time with the Lord in the morning. I have to make time for people in my life too.   I have set so many standards for myself as the semester begins.  The problem isn’t the standards I am setting.  They are all good goals.  The problem is that if I don’t meet my standards, I am going to view myself as a failure.  As not good enough.  Not worthy enough.  Not smart enough. Not able enough.

Me not meeting my standards, would cause me to redefine myself completely.

As I watch everyone around me, I realize that everyone else seems to be caught up in this mess too.  Everyone seems to be rushing somewhere constantly or rushing to get something done, to achieve something. Again, there is nothing wrong with getting things done or meeting our goals.  But I feel like sometimes we forget why we are even doing these things in the first place. I find myself going through the motions because, well, that’s what we are “supposed to do.”

So I few days ago, I decided to see if changing my perspective would change my outlook, and also my stress and frustration with the going through the motions process.

I went from I have to make all A’s this semester to I have an opportunity to have an education, an opportunity that many people don’t have, I am going to try my hardest and get the most out of this blessing.  I am not doing this for the GPA, I am doing this because God has placed a passion in my heart for what I am studying, and it is a step in his plan for my life.

I went from stressing out about making time for people in my life to realizing that people are what I am actually called to. When I get to heaven, my GPA is not going to matter. But the people I created relationships with, the people Christ used me to reach.  That will always matter. How is he going to use me to reach his people if I don’t make time for them.  And, life only happens once, I only have three semesters of college left! I don’t want to miss it because my face is constantly buried in books.

I went from I have to work out every day to thank the Lord that my body functions correctly so I should take care of it in the best way that I can.

I went from I have to spend time with the Lord in the morning to I GET to spend time with the Lord in the mornings.

Don’t get me wrong, forcing myself to think this way was and still is a struggle.  I still have to work at it.  But just in the past three days, my passion has returned. I am energy and excitement for the semester. I actually want to study because I want to be fully equipped for the next stage of my life that God has planned for me. Because let’s face it, I am an imperfect sinner in the hands of perfect God. I am weak, and I cannot do anything without Him.

“May he equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever.” Hebrews 13:21

This right here. My time in college. I fully believe this to be God preparing and molding me for the plans he has for the future! And the cool thing is, he is also using me while equipping me!

I am going to attempt to live every day to be like Jesus.  I am going to get done what I need to get done, but I am not going to ignore the world around me.  My motivation is going to come from love and from passion, not from the need to check things off of a list.  I am going to strive to be like Jesus, while remaining in full recognition that I am in fact, not Jesus.  I am not perfect.

And life turns.

I have a serious habit of blogging a few times, stopping for a year and then deciding I want to start again.  So.. lets try this one more time......

Why is this time different you ask? Well.... my perspective on life has completely changed after this summer.  I lost one of the closest and most important people in my life. I've lost loved ones before, but never quite like this.  To completely understand the story... I am going to have to give you a little background...

I was adopted at one day old, by an incredible and loving family. Later in life, I reconnected with my birth family and it was one of the biggest emotional roller coasters of my life.  An insane roller coaster, that I have not nor will never regret. I have had a solid relationship with them for four years now. I felt an instant connection with all of them, but especially with my Mimi.  The first time I met her, it was like I had known her my entire life.  We had this instant mutual understanding of each-other, and I knew from that moment that she loved me. Her loving me however was only half of the incredible part, I accepted her love.  This is a rare thing for me. I do not trust easily, but it was impossible not to trust her.

But this summer, June 24, my sister called me at 4am to give me the news. We had lost her to stage four lung cancer.

The first month after this happened I could hardly sleep or even function properly. I let very few people completely into my life.  There are very few that know all the dirty details and she was one of them, and I lost her.

However, with such a precious life leaving this world, I have suddenly found a new motivation for life. I have noticed myself making more of an effort to succeed and to let people in.  I have even started eating healthier and exercising. I have started actually listening and being fully engaged in conversations, and am becoming better at living in the moment instead of dreaming of the future because loosing her, made me realize how precious life really is. And as far as earth goes... we only get one.

After finally being able to sit down and reflect on this, I began to fully understand Romans 8:28

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."  

God did not promise us that life would be perfect, he actually tells us that there will be hardships and suffering.  We will struggle.  We will fall down. We will fail. We will sin.  We will hurt others. We will lie.  We will cheat, We will make mistakes. We will have regrets.  But we will not lose, because the battle has already been won.