I decided to repost a few of my blogs from while I was in Africa! This one is from Malawi, Africa on Febuary 5th 2013.
The night of February 2nd, at midnight, I gained full
freedom.
I had been letting events in my past get to me and bring me
down, and as a result I was not allowing God to fully enter my heart. At about
11:30 on February 1st I woke up screaming in my sleep, holding my
leader Los (Laurens) hand, panting and crying uncontrollably. It was in that
moment I realized that I could not live like this anymore. My past, joined by
the pasts of some of the people closest to me had been haunting me for to
long.
Once I had settled Lo ran and grabbed the rest of the girls on my
team and they prayed over me for a while. And finally, right after midnight, I
received the love; forgiveness and grace the Lord had been waiting for me to
take. I finally let go of the guilt and let God handle it. It is finally
over.
I broke that night, in a way I never thought I could. The Holy
Spirit entered into me in a way I never knew possible. That night not only did
I receive freedom, but God blessed me with a incredible gift.
Lo had
her hand on me and had been praying over me in tongues when I gained freedom,
and I understood her. Clear as day. It felt like electricity flowing from her
to me. It took me a few minutes to
register what was happening. I listened intently as she cast out the demon
of fear, and poured in me the spirit of hope. She cast out the demons of
self-doubt and poured in me the spirit of confidence. She cast out the demons
of self-hatred and guilt and poured in the spirit of love. I was completely
blown away.
I had heard tongues many times throughout my life,
especially on AIM trips; I had even spoken in tongues a few times. But
understanding it? This was a first. It continued to happen throughout the next
week. I finally broke down and told Lo. She had been praying for a while for
someone to be able to interpret. Funny how that works huh? After hearing Lo a
good four times that week, I also was blessed enough to be able to understand my
other leader Ross as he prayed in tongues. I am not quite sure how the Lord is
going to use this yet, but I have no doubt that He is going to use
it.
It all happened so quickly; it was like the Lord had been waiting
for me for a while. I thought that my heart was all in before, but looking back
I realize I was one foot in and one foot out. I was so afraid of being broken,
but now that I am, I realized how much beauty
and freedom there is in the breaking. It hurt, I won’t lie. Quite easily one of
the most spiritually painful experiences I have ever had, but at the same time,
it was so beautiful. I was made new.
Monday, October 7, 2013
Acceptance
I realized a few days ago, that I had stopped blogging. Although, it took me a few days to "refind" my blog because I was hesitant to see how long it had been.
It has been almost a year.
So, I decided to start writing again.
So much has happened in the past year, including taking a four month trip through Africa. It changed my heart, it grew me as a person, and I will never be the same. How could I be?
I returned home in May, and my heart as not stopped longing for africa. I long to walk out of the front gate in Malawi, and see dozens of children standing there anxiously waiting for us to come play with them. I long to hold my sweet angel Ana in Tanzania, and I long to sit through a four hour church service in Uganda, where people are so moved by the spirit that they are dancing while holding Bibles and chairs on their heads. I long for cold showers, squatty pottys, sleeping in my tent, morning Bible Study with my team. I long for Africa.
And I find myself saying all too often "I want my life back. God, can I please have my life back?"
I have come to terms with the fact that it will never be the same. Even if God leads me back to Africa one day, I wont be going with the same people, I might not be in the same places, and my experience will be completly different. I can not turn back the clock, no matter how much I wish I could.
So, for now, I am here, in college, and at this moment I should be writing a paper. But, that does not seem appealing right now. I struggle every morning, waking up and having to realize all over again that I am not in Africa.
But there has to be a reason right?
It hit me a few weeks ago. This is a part of Gods plan. He has me here right now for a reason. A reason I am not sure of right now, but a reason none the less.
If I was really supposed to be in Africa right now, I would be.
So, my theme for this next season of my life is acceptence. Not only accepting where I am at, but who I am. Accepting that things might not always turn out the way I want them to, and that that is a beautiful thing. After all, if life was the way I wanted it to be, I would never be able to learn and grow.
However, as soon as I accepted that God was where He wants me right now, I recived an incredible opportunity to travel to Guatemala in ten days for my fall break! Isnt it funny, how if we just let go and give God control, he grants us the desires of our hearts.
Such a beautiful thing.
It has been almost a year.
So, I decided to start writing again.
So much has happened in the past year, including taking a four month trip through Africa. It changed my heart, it grew me as a person, and I will never be the same. How could I be?
I returned home in May, and my heart as not stopped longing for africa. I long to walk out of the front gate in Malawi, and see dozens of children standing there anxiously waiting for us to come play with them. I long to hold my sweet angel Ana in Tanzania, and I long to sit through a four hour church service in Uganda, where people are so moved by the spirit that they are dancing while holding Bibles and chairs on their heads. I long for cold showers, squatty pottys, sleeping in my tent, morning Bible Study with my team. I long for Africa.
And I find myself saying all too often "I want my life back. God, can I please have my life back?"
I have come to terms with the fact that it will never be the same. Even if God leads me back to Africa one day, I wont be going with the same people, I might not be in the same places, and my experience will be completly different. I can not turn back the clock, no matter how much I wish I could.
So, for now, I am here, in college, and at this moment I should be writing a paper. But, that does not seem appealing right now. I struggle every morning, waking up and having to realize all over again that I am not in Africa.
But there has to be a reason right?
It hit me a few weeks ago. This is a part of Gods plan. He has me here right now for a reason. A reason I am not sure of right now, but a reason none the less.
If I was really supposed to be in Africa right now, I would be.
So, my theme for this next season of my life is acceptence. Not only accepting where I am at, but who I am. Accepting that things might not always turn out the way I want them to, and that that is a beautiful thing. After all, if life was the way I wanted it to be, I would never be able to learn and grow.
However, as soon as I accepted that God was where He wants me right now, I recived an incredible opportunity to travel to Guatemala in ten days for my fall break! Isnt it funny, how if we just let go and give God control, he grants us the desires of our hearts.
Such a beautiful thing.
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