Jesus On A Train

82 Days
1 Hour
33 Minutes
25 Seconds....

Until I am in Africa. 


As many of you know, on January 15th I am setting out on a life changing adventure to East Africa with Adventures In Missions.  I have never been more excited for anything in my life.

I was having a conversation with the Lord last week, in which I was spilling out my heart about my feelings for Africa.  I told Him how blessed I was for this opportunity, how ready I was, and then the positive thoughts began to sink into negative ones; "I have to admit, I am afraid.  I am afraid of being broken in a new way, I am afraid that my heart will not be able to take what I see, I am afraid I will not get along with people I did not know, I am afraid I will get to tired and not be able to do ministry, I am afraid."  These thoughts began to consume me and take over my heart completely.  I tried to push them away as I wanted to enjoy my fall break in Georgia with my Aunt, Uncle and cousin.

I rode the train at 4am to go and see them.  I drug myself onto that train and slouched down in my seat with every intent to take a nap, but I couldn't.  Something inside of my was keeping me awake, but I was not sure what.  I looked over beside me, and a women in about her 70s was sitting next to me, she seemed cheerful enough on the outside but for some reason I felt her sadness, I felt it sink into my skin as if it were my own.  I can not really explain how I knew she was in pain then, because I am not quite sure. I just knew.  We struck up a conversation and I soon learned that her name was Bitty and she was on her way to visit her sister who was just diagnosed with cancer. The entire conversation I was fighting to stay awake, I kept praying for strength to keep my eyes open, I wanted to listen, but by this point it was around 6am and I had not slept at all.  After praying I found myself more awake, and able to pray with her, I prayed for her sister and her family Honestly, I felt a little uneasy in the beginning, praying out loud is still a struggle for me.  Without thinking I thought the words "Help me Daddy" and then my mouth began to move without me really registering what was happening.  I could feel her clench my hand as I spoke about the loss of her mother, the uneasiness between her siblings, her fear of loosing her sister, and her fears for her children and grandchildren.  I had felt the Holy Spirit flow between us.  I am not quite sure how to explain it, it was so over whelming, but beautiful and peaceful.  By the look on her face, I knew she felt it too.  We were both in tears by this point.
Shortly after her stop came up and we hugged goodbye.  I could not fathom the closeness I felt with this women I had met on the train a few hours ago.  Then it clicked, she is my sister in Christ, why should I not feel close to her.  As the train continued to clink against the tracks I had to ask God why, what was the purpose of this experience?

I was not until today that I realized it, when walking back from talking to one of my best friends Carrie Lee, that through that one experience, I had faced all of the fears I had for Africa, right here at home.  I had been broken in a new way, I had gotten along with someone I did not know and I had done ministry when I was almost to tired to think, and I was able to handle someone elses pain.  Through Gods strength. Not my own. But why was this experience different from all the others? What made the Holy Spirit move that way?  What made it seem natural? Then it clicked, I asked for help.   He was slowly teaching me that I can not rely on myself, it is going to be impossible.  I am nothing without Him. 

"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13

So many paths I could take.....

So how do we know which ones right?

Being a a "young adult" the age old question "What do I want to be when I grow up?" has officially come back to haunt me.  Only this time, the answer can not be what it was when I was a kid.  I would answer"princess" as a lot of little girls do.  However, hours and days and months of prayer, I know "what" God is leading me to become.... but not the problem is, how to get there.  I know He is calling me to be a full-time over seas missionary.  But with that, comes so many more questions.  For how long?  Where? One place or many places?  How do I have a family?  Can I be a missionary mom?  How does that even work? What is my future husband does not want that life?  How would I support my family if I had one? I would I support myself? These questions lingered in my head for days. However, today, on the airplane flying home I starting asking God these questions instead of asking myself. And this is what happened....

For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Well, that's awesome God, would you like to share these plans with me?

In time.

How much time?

When you are ready.

I'm ready now!

Patience my child.

I don't have any of that.....

Now your getting it.... wait for my plan.  Its going to be worth it.


 At first, this was the most frustrating conversation I have had in a while, conversations with God tend to be for me, because I can never win.  I have realized though, that peace is not when everything around you is calm, peace is when everything around you is falling apart and you know in your heart that you are okay that God is holding you and He is not going to drop you, no matter what.  I am still praying for peace over the uncertainties in my life.  However, I am not sure where God is leading me, but I do know one thing.   No one needs to grow up to be a prince or a princess.  We all already are royalty, because of the blood of Christ.  So where am I now?  I am a princess.  And I am going to wait patiently (attempt)  until the King of all Kings tells me my next move.

A little time and love can go farther than you think....

This afternoon a group of Gardner-Webb students ventured out to Shelby to volunteer at the Salvation Army Toy Store.  How does this work?  Well, basically parents receive vaulters to come and shop for their kids.  First we help organize the toys onto age group tables to make it easier for the parents. And some of the group started sorting stickers into bags for the kids, and the guys went in the back and put bikes together.  After we were finished sorting toys, all the girls ended up sorting stickers. It was so much fun.  We all started talking, and laughing and I found myself getting along with and having a blast with a bunch of girls that I hardly knew. We had so much more in common that I ever would have expected. Its amazing how coming together for one common purpose can bring so many different types of people together.  After we finished sorting the stickers, we went to the back of the store to check up on the guys. There were bikes everywhere, there must have been at least 200 bikes.  It was incredible just to know that all these children were getting bikes for Christmas.  A little time and a caring heart goes farther than you might think.  While we were working, it dawned on me....what was this that we did today?  Missions. We didn't have to leave the country, we didn't even have to leave our state.  We served the community we live in, and the funny thing is, sometimes that's harder than flying overseas. 

Hello, my name is Jen....

And I am part of something so much bigger than me.

I accepted Christ for the first time when I was in 7th grade, on a mission trip to New Orleans.  But after the trip my heart fell back into what the world keeps telling us we "need".  The desires of my heart became just that, and I once again had become consumed with the world.  I wanted the American Dream, graduate college, get married, have kids and live life going through the motions.  I am by no means saying that these things, such as college, getting married, having kids and living in a nice house are bad or wrong.  I am not saying that any or all of these things are not in Gods plan for me.  The problem with my plan, was God was not in it.  And if course the general fact that I believed that MY plan, was going to work... when I had not let God lead me.  I continued going on missions, two more trips to New Orleans, one to Costa Rica, one to Scotland and one to Nicaragua.  Before Scotland, missions was just a fun past time, something to keep me entertained during the summers.  However, in Scotland, my heart broke, God had broken my heart, for missions.  What kind of missions?  Who knows? Missions take place everywhere, not just overseas.  They take place in our homes, our schools and our own communities. I never wanted the life of an overseas missionary though, I thought I wasn't good enough, Holy enough, strong enough.... and guess what?  I'm not.  But God is.  So here I am, two years later, sitting in my dorm room at Gardner-Webb University double majoring in Mission Studies and Business and hopefully a minor in World Religion.  I am surrounded by amazing friends, spiritual leaders and natural beauty.  So what comes next?  Who knows? 
God has a plan, and I intend to follow his path for me,
I intend to walk with the strength of Yahweh.
Why?
Because He gave His only son, so that I could live.
Because He loves me more than I could ever grasp.
Because He has never left my side, no matter how many times I ran.
Because I CANT do it without Him.