82 Days
1 Hour
33 Minutes
25 Seconds....
Until I am in Africa.
As many of you know, on January 15th I am setting out on a life changing adventure to East Africa with Adventures In Missions. I have never been more excited for anything in my life.
I was having a conversation with the Lord last week, in which I was spilling out my heart about my feelings for Africa. I told Him how blessed I was for this opportunity, how ready I was, and then the positive thoughts began to sink into negative ones; "I have to admit, I am afraid. I am afraid of being broken in a new way, I am afraid that my heart will not be able to take what I see, I am afraid I will not get along with people I did not know, I am afraid I will get to tired and not be able to do ministry, I am afraid." These thoughts began to consume me and take over my heart completely. I tried to push them away as I wanted to enjoy my fall break in Georgia with my Aunt, Uncle and cousin.
I rode the train at 4am to go and see them. I drug myself onto that train and slouched down in my seat with every intent to take a nap, but I couldn't. Something inside of my was keeping me awake, but I was not sure what. I looked over beside me, and a women in about her 70s was sitting next to me, she seemed cheerful enough on the outside but for some reason I felt her sadness, I felt it sink into my skin as if it were my own. I can not really explain how I knew she was in pain then, because I am not quite sure. I just knew. We struck up a conversation and I soon learned that her name was Bitty and she was on her way to visit her sister who was just diagnosed with cancer. The entire conversation I was fighting to stay awake, I kept praying for strength to keep my eyes open, I wanted to listen, but by this point it was around 6am and I had not slept at all. After praying I found myself more awake, and able to pray with her, I prayed for her sister and her family Honestly, I felt a little uneasy in the beginning, praying out loud is still a struggle for me. Without thinking I thought the words "Help me Daddy" and then my mouth began to move without me really registering what was happening. I could feel her clench my hand as I spoke about the loss of her mother, the uneasiness between her siblings, her fear of loosing her sister, and her fears for her children and grandchildren. I had felt the Holy Spirit flow between us. I am not quite sure how to explain it, it was so over whelming, but beautiful and peaceful. By the look on her face, I knew she felt it too. We were both in tears by this point.
Shortly after her stop came up and we hugged goodbye. I could not fathom the closeness I felt with this women I had met on the train a few hours ago. Then it clicked, she is my sister in Christ, why should I not feel close to her. As the train continued to clink against the tracks I had to ask God why, what was the purpose of this experience?
I was not until today that I realized it, when walking back from talking to one of my best friends Carrie Lee, that through that one experience, I had faced all of the fears I had for Africa, right here at home. I had been broken in a new way, I had gotten along with someone I did not know and I had done ministry when I was almost to tired to think, and I was able to handle someone elses pain. Through Gods strength. Not my own. But why was this experience different from all the others? What made the Holy Spirit move that way? What made it seem natural? Then it clicked, I asked for help. He was slowly teaching me that I can not rely on myself, it is going to be impossible. I am nothing without Him.
"I can do all things through him who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
